Parenting Perils

Parenting after your own children are grown and gone is a real challenge. What does it mean to “parent” adults who in many cases are themselves parents? How is parenting dependent children or quasi-independent teens different from parenting independent adults? Is such parenting even welcome or wanted? If so, when or under what circumstances?

I don’t have answers to these questions. I know others, including some LDS authors, have written about this topic. I haven’t read any of these books. And I don’t know if I plan to do so any time soon. Other authors have written about grandparenting. I haven’t read these books, either. I can’t help but think I could have more impact and positive influence as a grandparent if I lived near my grandchildren. This is something I would love to do, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards any time soon. For now I must be content with sending cards or letters each month and visiting when I can.

I know some aspects about adult parenting that are very hard. First and foremost is watching my children struggle and, in some cases, suffer. Gone are the days when I could “make things all better” for my children when they ran into the house crying with a scraped knee or owie. The adage “little kids, little problems – big kids, big problems” certainly seems true at times.

I know there is value in struggling and that growth occurs from overcoming trials and adversity. I’m clear that we are in mortality to be tested and tried, and to learn from our experiences. That knowledge doesn’t stop me from wanting to ease the burden for my children, especially when the challenges appear to be so great that I don’t see the opportunities for growth and learning.

I have to remind myself that I am to God as a toddler is to me in understanding, maturity, patience, wisdom, faith, and so on. Trusting in God’s way and timing is truly an exercise of faith and patience. I pray for my children and their families constantly. That is easy. I also, when praying, ask for guidance on what I can do to help my children. Knowing the answers to that question is much more difficult.

Another challenge in adult parenting is knowing what NOT to say and when NOT to say it. It is true that wisdom comes with experience, age, and perspective. It is also true that most people don’t learn from the wisdom of others as well as they do through their own experiences. For example, it took me nearly three decades to learn that when you try to change another person the only thing you do is make two people unhappy – that person and yourself. Each and every time I try to change someone else I succeed only in creating unhappiness. But how do you pass along a lesson like that? Can it even be understood or “learned” except by personal struggle and experience? Suffice it to say that my tongue is much tougher than it once was from having bitten it so many times!

Another challenge is being connected. Children have their own lives and are busy with the tasks and chores of everyday living. As a result, I know far less about the lives of my children than I once did. I am very grateful for all the modern conveniences that make it so easy to stay connected. This has not always been the case. Long distance phone calls were prohibitively expensive when I was a child. Usually, receiving a long distance call meant a death or serious illness/accident in the family. Today such calls are virtually free. And we have blogs, social media, texting, email, web cams, etc., making staying connected easier than it ever has been.

Ironically, the very availability and ease of these tools may not always translate into connectedness. Because we CAN connect doesn’t always mean that we DO connect … at least, not as often as parents (especially long distance parents) might desire. And this is the rub. I certainly can make calls or send emails whenever I want. But how much connection is good? One of the things that make calls and visits so special is that they are not everyday occurrences. Ideally I would live close enough to my children and their families to drive by their residences frequently, see the children outside playing, and stop to say hello. That arrangement is increasingly rare in today’s world. I'm very lucky that my children use a variety of means to keep connected with me. I receive phone calls and can view photos posted online. I love receiving funny and unexpected text messages. I keep up with daily life through social media pages. Though I live very far away from my grandchildren, I am not disconnected from them.

Later this month we hope to visit Utah to celebrate Christmas with most of my children and all of my grandchildren. I am so excited to see everyone again and to participate in the magic of the Christmas season. So for a few days I will get to be a close up and hands on Poopa. What a wonderful Christmas gift for me!