Apologizing and Repenting

For years I have been amazed at what passes for an apology. A typical scenario is when someone gets caught (and this, unfortunately, is usually the motivation for what follows) doing something really stupid or unethical or vulgar or illegal and offers an apology by saying, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended by what I did."

This isn't an apology at all! In reality, this is a criticism. Someone who offers this type of "apology" is really saying, "I didn't do anything wrong. But I'm sorry that you are so overly sensitive that you were offended." In other words, no apology is really intended. And no change is intended except, perhaps, to avoid getting caught next time.

Imagine if people repented like this. "Heavenly Father, I realize that technically I broke six of the ten commandments and kind of skirted two of the others. I'm sorry if you are offended by what I did and hope you will forgive me."

Here is a lesson I learned while teaching my children (you will know who you are) to drive. When Brenda and I married, she did not have a driver's license and had, in fact, never learned to drive. Growing up in Branch, Arkansas (population 200) really didn't require either a license or a car. And coming to school at BYU in Provo certainly didn't require driving. So I did all the driving when we were dating and after we married. Occasionally Brenda would express concern or anxiety about my driving and I would get peeved at her for questioning my ability. Once I started teaching my own children to drive I rode in the passenger seat and gained a new perspective. It was at that point that I adopted a rule in my own life and tried to teach an important principle to my children: the driver is responsible to operate the vehicle in such a way that the passenger feels comfortable and safe. If Brenda does not feel safe, it is my job to change how I am driving so that she does. It is never acceptable to say (or even think), "If you don't like the way I drive, get out of the car!"

This was hard for me initially, but I have grown in wisdom ... at least in this area. My position is no longer, "I'm sorry if you don't like the way I drive." Instead, I swallow my pride and change my approach so that my passengers feel safe.

To me, this analogy illustrates the principle of a true apology. I don't slow down grudgingly while remaining angry. I change how I drive so my passenger feels truly safe. In areas other than driving, I no longer tell others I'm sorry if they are offended at something I have said or done. Instead, I tell them I am sorry for my words or acts. Even if I think they should not be offended, the reality is that they are and that I am the cause. When this is the case, I owe a true apology.

Now, if I can just master repentance ...

Good-"Buy" to Shopping

When the weekend comes, practically the last thing I want to do is go shopping. Yet this is exactly what a run to the store with Mom to buy something often turns into. And in only two sentences I have described one of the huge differences between men and women. I reference the title of a research study from a prestigious business school: "Men Buy, Women Shop." This is exactly what I experience.

For me, buying something is usually a focused, practical, short-term activity. That's because the act of making a purchase is very much tied up with solving a problem. I go to the store because I need something. The faster I can find what I am looking for, the sooner I can fix what is wrong and move on to doing something enjoyable.

For Mom, shopping is an "experience" or an "adventure." It is a chance to do something fun or different. It is an opportunity to explore ways in which our lives or house could be made more interesting. And it is a time to see new things and talk to new people. Shopping is enjoyable in itself and making the purchase brings the fun to an end. Mom will go to the store because she wants something, and that something is often a break or diversion from the day-to-day routine of life.

Don't get me wrong; I will price shop for a significant purchase to make sure I'm getting a good deal. But this type of shopping is a means to an end, and the end is buying. For Mom, shopping can be recreational, a "date" like eating out or going to a movie.

Now, how do you think we enjoy going to the store together? Often I am finished within the first 5-10 minutes and Mom is just getting warmed up. A recent visit to the thrift store is a case in point. I went into the store thinking that I would try to find a shirt. I found two shirts within a few minutes, quickly walked up and down the store aisles to see if there was any bargain too good to pass up, and then went to tell Mom I was ready to go. When Mom walked into the store, the jewelry counter caught her eye. While I found my shirts and went through the entire store, Mom was still looking at jewelry. She was not even close to being ready to go let me know that she needed much more time to look through the rest of the store. So I drove home to shovel the driveway and came back 45 minutes later to get her (and she still was not finished shopping).

The person who performed our marriage (I'll always remember his name, Vernon Thomander) counseled Mom and me always to do everything together. I understand the wisdom of his counsel and have tried to observe it throughout our marriage. His intent, I'm sure, was to strengthen our marriage and help us draw closer to one another. But I'm quite confident our marriage will continue stronger if I "buy" and Mom "shops" separately!

Under the Weather

A virus is making its way through Central Iowa, leaving a path of misery and woe. It is so widespread that the local news ran a feature story on how many people are sick, missing work and school. Unfortunately, Brenda and I have both been afflicted.

I've noticed that when I get sick, I get REALLY sick and need special pampering and tender loving care. (I know Brenda gets sick, too, but that is just "normal" sick.) I also get cravings, which I assume is my body's way of telling me that it needs something to fight off the symptoms of illness.

The first and foremost requirement when I am sick is for salt and vinegar flavored potato chips and citrus flavored soda; Squirt or whiskey sour is best, though Fresca will do in a pinch. These alone practically guarantee a rapid and full recovery. Or perhaps they just ease the misery.

A backup remedy is Red Hots candy. The cinnamon seems to burn the toxins out of my system. And when I eat too many, my tongue gets burned as well. But that seems a small price to pay to feel better.Finally, I resort to chicken noodle soup. This cannot be canned soup, but has to be the dry mix package boiled in water.

Any of these remedies work best with a good murder mystery or two.

Aside from food, I also need a large box of lotion-infused facial tissue and an inhaler to clear my passages. I usually don't take much medicine. I can only take a half dose of Benadryl, because I react to it so strongly. It clouds my head and makes my skin feels so sensitive that even the bed sheets irritate me. And I will take NyQuil only in the most extreme circumstances, because the taste is far worse than the ailment. Isn't there some way in today's scientific world that medicine can be made to taste better?

When I was a boy I would sometimes come down with the croup. Mom would drape a sheet over the bed and support it in such a way to make a tent. A vaporizer would go underneath the tent to create a mist for my lungs. And she would also rub Ben-Gay and Vicks VapoRub on my chest. Interestingly, this mixture smelled very much like root beer extract. I still have fond memories of root beer scented reading marathons while ill.

Wisdom of the Fathers

For Christmas this year I had copies made of an audio recording my Dad sent to me while I was serving as a missionary in Viet Nam. I stumbled across this recording while organizing my basement and realized that, because he died in 1976, my wife and children never heard my father's voice. The recording was brief (less than five minutes) and the quality wasn't very good because of the state of the technology then. Also, because Dad had a cold the voice didn't sound quite right. But it was an interesting gift.

This has me thinking about some of the things Dad used to say to us kids. Two things readily come to mind:

While Mom usually got stuck with the dishes, on occasion we kids would do the dishes with Dad. He always insisted on washing and we had to dry and put away the dishes. If we found a dish that didn't quite get washed clean and had a bit of something stuck to it, we would gleefully point out the problem and hand the dish back to Dad. He would look at it and say, "It's a damn poor wiper who can't get what little the washer misses!" We weren't allowed to use such language, of course. But this made us all the more anxious to find the next problem so we could hear him say it again!

Utah Power and Light, the electric utility where I grew up, used in their advertising a character named Reddy Kilowatt. When Dad would say something to us that we didn't quite catch and we would say, "What?", he would reply, "Watt? Are you a light bulb?"

I don't know why these things stick out, but they are very clear memories. I'll add more examples later.

Cognition and Emotion

For years I have been studying how cognition influences emotion, or how our thinking drives our feelings. I can remember very clearly telling myself in high school that while I could help what I thought and what I did, I could not help what I felt. I don't know why at the time I believed that so strongly. Perhaps it is because in the teen years emotions can be so very powerful. As it turns out, I was wrong about being able to help what I felt because I did not understand the link between thoughts and emotions.

Many people are bothered by feelings about past events or are fearful about the future they imagine. As the first figure shows, the past and future can have no direct impact in our lives because they are, by definition, not present. However, we are capable of remembering (re-presenting) the past and imagining (pre-presenting) the future in the present through our thinking. In other words, we create a present-based version of the past or future. So we can "experience" the past or future in our thoughts, but not in reality. If we remember the past with fondness or look forward to the future with hopeful anticipation, this can be a blessing. However, too many look backward with regret and forward with fear. This is not useful or healthy. The past is behind us and cannot harm us; only our thinking about the past can cause us to suffer. Similarly, the future is before us and cannot harm us; only our thinking can do so. I hold to Dan Zadra's notion that "Worry is a misuse of imagination."

And while we do experience others and events or circumstances in the present, it is our thinking about these that are the cause of stress and suffering. This is a difficult concept to understand and accept, but is so powerful and liberating. The power of our minds and our agency is phenomenol.

What is the main message of the first figure? I experience the world -- past, present and future -- through my thoughts, which give rise to the emotions I feel. If I struggle and suffer, the immediate cause is my thinking about the past, the present, others and events or circumstances, and not any of those things directly.

The second figure expands on this by illustrating that living in the world of "should" and "should not" rather than in the world of "what is" (reality) is the cause of our suffering. This, again, is a function of our thinking. My friend, Rebecca Overson, counsels that we stop "shoulding all over ourselves" in order to end our suffering. The wise come to learn that "pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." (Unknown author)

We enjoy a gift of agency that cannot be taken from us. While we may not enjoy the power to change the circumstances we face in life, we always have the power of choice regarding our thinking about what we experience and, thus, the associated feelings. More on this later ...