For years I have been amazed at what passes for an apology. A typical scenario is when someone gets caught (and this, unfortunately, is usually the motivation for what follows) doing something really stupid or unethical or vulgar or illegal and offers an apology by saying, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended by what I did."
This isn't an apology at all! In reality, this is a criticism. Someone who offers this type of "apology" is really saying, "I didn't do anything wrong. But I'm sorry that you are so overly sensitive that you were offended." In other words, no apology is really intended. And no change is intended except, perhaps, to avoid getting caught next time.
Imagine if people repented like this. "Heavenly Father, I realize that technically I broke six of the ten commandments and kind of skirted two of the others. I'm sorry if you are offended by what I did and hope you will forgive me."
Here is a lesson I learned while teaching my children (you will know who you are) to drive. When Brenda and I married, she did not have a driver's license and had, in fact, never learned to drive. Growing up in Branch, Arkansas (population 200) really didn't require either a license or a car. And coming to school at BYU in Provo certainly didn't require driving. So I did all the driving when we were dating and after we married. Occasionally Brenda would express concern or anxiety about my driving and I would get peeved at her for questioning my ability. Once I started teaching my own children to drive I rode in the passenger seat and gained a new perspective. It was at that point that I adopted a rule in my own life and tried to teach an important principle to my children: the driver is responsible to operate the vehicle in such a way that the passenger feels comfortable and safe. If Brenda does not feel safe, it is my job to change how I am driving so that she does. It is never acceptable to say (or even think), "If you don't like the way I drive, get out of the car!"
This was hard for me initially, but I have grown in wisdom ... at least in this area. My position is no longer, "I'm sorry if you don't like the way I drive." Instead, I swallow my pride and change my approach so that my passengers feel safe.
To me, this analogy illustrates the principle of a true apology. I don't slow down grudgingly while remaining angry. I change how I drive so my passenger feels truly safe. In areas other than driving, I no longer tell others I'm sorry if they are offended at something I have said or done. Instead, I tell them I am sorry for my words or acts. Even if I think they should not be offended, the reality is that they are and that I am the cause. When this is the case, I owe a true apology.
Now, if I can just master repentance ...
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2 comments:
Well you have been a good example to your son. Ben is very humble about his driving and if anyone expresses any concern or being uncomfortable with his driving he immediately tries to rectify it, and does it willingly and nicely. The only problem is Ben has a short attention span, so he might need to be reminded a few times :)
It takes skill to adjust one's driving to make others comfortable.
There is no greater terror than teaching teenagers to drive. I remember driving with Colin when he was learning. We were on the freeway, during one of his first times driving. It started to rain. He flipped a lever thinking it would start the wipers. Instead he actually put the car into "reverse." The car made sounds I never knew were possible. It kept moving forward, except for my heart, which went into reverse, if that is possible.
Over the next few minutes Colin learned that there is a relationship between a topic's importance and the volume of my voice.
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